21/12/2018
Jesse Anderson
Satire
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Winston Peters Exposes Evil Alt-Right Scheme To Ruin Migration Pact

While driving home on Wednesday night, listening to ZB, I heard a familiar, deep, soothing voice. Its velvety softness crept into my ears and put me into a hypnotic daze, so potent that I had to pull over to avoid having an accident.

It was Winston Peters, talking about the harmless, non-binding (but still important enough to fly across the world for) UN Migration Compact.

He reassured the listeners that they had nothing to fear over sovereignty issues, and delicately explained the subtle nuances of how “we commit to” doesn’t actually mean “we commit to”.

I can’t remember what exactly his reasoning was, only that while he was talking, his soft, comforting patriarchal tone took me back to a simpler time, of running through fields and calling people "he" and "she" with impunity.

Suddenly, I was shaken back into reality. I heard the two words that I thought I would never have to hear again. The two words that describe the most insidious, pervasive, toxic, and problematic ideological group to ever walk the earth.

"Alt-Right".

I knew it. I wanted to deny it. I fought my better instincts. I wanted so desperately to believe that the Alt-Right was just a bad dream, a spectre, a figment of my imagination.

Alas, Winston Peters, wise, caring, Winston Peters, revealed to us all that it was in fact the Alt-Right who had spread the nasty, mean, and hateful lies about the loving, inclusive, rights-granting-refugee-hugging Migration Compact.

The Alt-Right had all along been behind the hurtful rumours that the compact could undermine the sovereignty of New Zealand's borders and immigration laws.

It was they who had falsely suggested that the restrictions on free speech underlined in the compact would actually restrict free speech.

The absolute slanderous guile that the UN sought to undermine the integrity of national law by seeking to rename illegal immigration' to “irregular" immigration? All the doing of the Alt-Right.

I knew all along that when the compact stated that we would commit to the elimination of all forms of discrimination including racism, xenophobia, and intolerance against migrants and their families; it wasn’t some ambiguous language designed to allowed shady lawyers to reinterpret and explore all the possible ways those words could possibly be misconstrued.

It’s an entirely safe, loving, and inclusive document only ever intended to protect our culture of multiculturalism and make sure that more non whi– I mean, diverse people groups are allowed to come into our country, because after all we need more immigration anyway.

Not in the same way that Mike Hosking wants more immigration.

We need it in a loving inclusive way. (But no South African farmers.)

About the author

Jesse Anderson is the admin of Nobody Likes a Socialist NZ, The Movement for the Preservation of Free Speech NZ, and the National Youth Director of One New Zealand.