Step one: Open a Krispy Kreme in South Auckland.
That's it. Just check the local rags the next day to see how well you did:
Krispy Kreme accused of targeting most obese suburbs
A major American donut juggernaut is being accused of deliberately exploiting some of our country's most vulnerable people.
Krispy Kreme opens the doors to its first Kiwi store in February, in the middle of the most obese area of the country, South Auckland.
The store is set to open with a bang in Manukau with a free donut launch party and a 24/7 drive through, tactics that Auckland University obesity expert Boyd Swinburn says are intended to target those most at risk of obesity.
"This is pretty standard practice for American fast food chains," he told Newshub, "They have a product they've refined over many years, high in fat, high in sugar and super palatable. Then they target vulnerable populations."
It gets even worse, as Just Water CEO Tony Falkenstein informs us:
"Businesses like Krispy Kreme coming in - it's very tempting for them," he said of South Aucklanders.
"Pacific Island churches are telling their parishioners to cut back on sugar. I would rather have a McDonald's out there than a Krispy Kreme because fat we can handle easier than sugar," he said.
Yes, that's right. Even worse than McDonald's. South Aucklanders are generally fat people with no self-control. Even if you are not fat, you could easily succumb to the temptation to become fat at any time if you happen to see a doughnut store.
What does Krispy Kreme have to say about this?
A Krispy Kreme spokeswoman said, "We are employing over 150 people, 80 per cent of them from South Auckland."
Tell Krispy Kreme that we want slim jobs, not fat ones! They can take their fat jobs somewhere else!
The body-positivity and body-acceptance movements were unable to be reached for comment.
But wait, there's more! The plot thickens as it appears that there is a sinister white supremacist connection:
A branch of Krispy Kreme is promoting 'KKK Wednesday' as a half-term activity. The Hull branch of the doughnut peddler had created the abbreviation to stand for Krispy Kreme Klub, but most people will be reminded of American right-wing hate group Ku Klux Klan.
UPDATE 03/03/2018: It has been revealed by Boycot Halal NZ that Krispy Kreme pays jizya (Islamic tax) through halal certification and Right Minds in no way endorses the purchasing of any products that fund the Mohammedan religion. We do still support the consumption of doughnuts, in moderation, but strongly suggest you source them elsewhere.